"Wow, I never expected us to get along so well," Hermione said, "given that I'm rather more archetypally precocious and you're more... um... well, not that."
"Huh," Dudley grunted, nearly falling asleep. He still didn't understand who this girl was.
"Yes, precisely," Hermione replied.
"Where are we?" Dudley asked.
"For the seventh time, Dudley, we're in Professor Snape's dungeon," Hermione snapped, already frustrated at Dudley again.
"Who?" Dudley asked.
"Okay I'm just going to stop replying to these questions because you immediately forget the answers."
"Where are we?"
Hermione and Dudley were trying to escape with the Philosopher's Stone, which Snape had stolen after he sextuple-crossed the Order of the Phoenix and started working for Voldemort again. Hermione had worked out that Snape had enchanted the Mirror of Erised to give the Stone to someone who did not understand what it was for – not exactly an original idea of Snape's, but it meant she had to bring an idiot along for the ride, and the nearest idiot she could find was Dudley. They had bumped into each other at Kings' Cross Station when Harry was going home for the summer. Hermione, as she did every year, always snuck back into Hogwarts illegally to read all the books in the library. This time, she also had a secret mission from Dumbledore, whose crazy plan about getting Snape to sextuple-cross him on purpose made no sense.
"Quick, Dudley, we need to leave before Snape gets back," Hermione said.
Dudley snapped back awake. "What's a Snape?"
"Come on Dudley, put your shoes on." Hermione fetched Dudley's shoes for him – he had inexplicably taken them off and thrown them across the room when they entered.
"I'm sleepy," Dudley moaned, as Hermione forced the shoes onto his feet.
"Let's just stand up, and then..."
"What is happening here?" Snape was suddenly standing in the doorway.
"Where are we?" Dudley asked. "Are you my daddy?"
"Who is this?" Snape demanded.
"Dudley Dursley, Professor," Hermione replied.
"Fifty points from whatever house he's in, and five-thousand points from Gryffindor," Snape snarled.
"It's not even term-time, Professor," Hermione protested.
"Alright, enough banter," Snape said and with a wave of his wand he knocked Dudley and Hermione unconscious.
Hermione woke up in a cauldron, tied to Dudley. Dudley was also awake, but on the verge of falling asleep again.
The cauldron was resting on a pile of burning logs and the pair were slowly heating up.
"Come on Dudley, we need to escape!" Hermione said, having come to her senses.
"Who are you?" Dudley asked.
"For God's sake, come on..."
Unfortunately, Snape had tied them tightly and left them with no way to escape – he wasn't an idiot, after all. Hermione tried her hardest to do wandless magic, but nothing worked. They simmered for hours and then died. Then Snape took the Philosopher's Stone and Voldemort lived forever. The End.